I thought.

I'm contemplating to quit blogging. And start writing in a private journal of mine of which can be read, understood, accepted or rejected by none other than my good self. I'm still considering it, though. Since I thought that the cyber world has becoming more evil than Cruella. Evil and heartless to that one soul which is too vulnerable. At least, if I write anything in a journal, I pour my heart out, still. So the relief will still be there by right. After all what's the point of publicising everything. After 2 years of blogging, through sunny and rainy days, emo posts, happy posts, inspirational posts, non-inspirational posts, and whatnots, I've finally had enough. I'll take some time more or less to give this a final thought. And when I've finally decided, I shall then bid goodbye to this virtual world. Jiwang siot.

Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Al-'Adl

If Allah brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Allah is The All-Knowing. I kept thinking, why am I being such an ungrateful slave of Him recently. I prayed for that one thing I've been asking for for the past few years. Whenever something was wrong, that was what I will always ask for from Him.

And he granted it. He gave me what I asked for. He fulfilled my prayers. He heard me.

But I was too ignorant to even realise that. I complained when He has given me what I ever wanted. I suppose that what makes me a human being, who is never satisfied with what I have. I crave for more. I was given one thing and I asked for another, a dissimilar one.

All praises to Allah now that I've realised how ungrateful I've been, I'm learning to accept things accordingly as my qadar. I'm learning to be more tranquil. I'm learning to adapt and absorb. I can't just adapt to things without absorbing it and neither can I absorb anything without adapting to it. I'm also learning to be more and more thankful for everything I have, even for a single sip of drink. I'm learning to compare myself to those less fortunate in order to prove myself that Allah has given me MORE than what I could ever have. Masha Allah...  And yet I'm saying that life's unfair?

Who's being unfair, really?

Babies

Went out with Mama today (which can be done so after I cleaned up the house sheeshh). Bought new babies to be added to my collection of hijabs, which number keeps increasing but in the end I'll end up wearing the same black one, or the easiest one which does not require any brooch or any "Just tuck it in and pin it here" process with Arabic accent (I'm referring to Youtube by the way, which can only be comprehended by myself and Raihan hehe. Oyy I miss you lah babe!).

I thought Mama intended to just buy hijab for that someone as a gift. Tapi sampai je Mama suruh cari tudung untuk baju raya. Memang la aku ingat baju raya color apa. Kalau ingat color apa pun, tak ingat the exact hue. Payah bebeno aku nak explain kat mat Bangla (I guess so that he's a Bangladeshi) the color of my baju kurung. Nak cakap color kuning kunyit, aku dok fikir macam mana nak translate. Dalam otak aku fikir, apa kunyit dalam English. Tamarind kot. Nasib baik tak cakap, sebab tamarind tu asam jawa. It was supposed to be turmeric hahaha. Sengal. Last-last Adnan jadi hero, suggested this one hijab being the last piece. I remember he suggested that hijab few months back when they first release it, now there was only one piece left and it seemed to match my baju, and Adnan said that hijab's been waiting for me to buy it. Yaaaa lah cakap manis tujuan promosi lebih.

By the way Adnan is this one dude kat Arzu yang kalau nampak je aku datang "Pakai la tudung, cantik apa" sambil cakap dengan accent tah dari negara mana tak tau la. Tu dulu la masa aku belum pakai tudung. Sekarang dah pakai tudung, semua dia suruh beli. Semua yang dia demo lilit kat kepala aku semua dia suruh beli. But the weird part was always that he can lilit well. I mean, when he demo-ed any of the hijab on me, they always looked good. Mandrem apa Adnan ni pakai. Sampai tadi aku cakap kat dia, "U datang rumah I lah, pagi-pagi sebelum I pegi kerja u pakaikan I tudung". Adnan geleng kepala. Mama cakap "Baik kawin je terus ngan Adnan". Hilang akal ke apa mak aku nak menantu Bangla haha.

Kesimpulannya jangan masuk Arzu. One leads to another, macam tagline Cadbury Fingers. Bahaya. But I'm a happy kid today, Alhamdulillah :)

P.S. I decided to chant this repetitively in my head " Live like you're going to die tomorrow". It works! (So far lah. Let's see how far is 'far' hahaha)

Recital

And who is more wicked than the man who gives no heed to the revelations of his Lord when he is reminded of them? We shall punish the guilty.


Dan siapakah yang lebih zalim daripada orang  yang telah diperingatkan dengan ayat-ayat Tuhannya, kemudian dia berpaling daripadanya. Sesungguhnya, Kami akan memberikan balasan kepada orang yang berdosa.

[Adoration (Al-Sajdah) : 22]

This is one of the ayah which can make me cry instantly upon hearing it. What more after knowing what it means. Subhanallah...

IT'S NOT EASY. IT'S NEVER FREAKING EASY.

Nowhere

Allah is Great I must say. I am yet to discover the reasons behind all these. But this is too hard for me to even think of. I wonder why am I too generous with tears nowadays. Tooooo generous. I've never been like this before. I just keep on failing and failing, again and again and again until I breathe the last breath, I suppose? In the middle of doing my work I can still shed tears which came out of nowhere. I tried reciting zikir so that I will draw myself closer to Him. But perhaps I wasn't concentrating on it that much that my mind seemed to drift away to that part of life filled with great turbulence.

Tarawih Day 2

Day 1 was like usual. Just that I felt utterly annoyed on Day 2 due to the noises those kids made. Tak faham kenapa the parents brought them to masjid if they knew that their kids mempunyai mulut macam mak nenek. Duduk rumah tinggal dengan bibik dah la. Atau, kalau anda takut bibik curah air panas kat anak anda, atau dera anak anda tonyoh badan dia dengan seterika panas ke, kalau risau sangat, mungkin anda boleh tinggal saja di rumah dengan anak anda, tak payah pergi masjid. Ini ditujukan khas buat kaum ibu. Daripada awak nak cari pahala pegi solat sunat tarawih, awak dapat dosa sebab anak awak buat bising, orang takleh nak kusyu' solat.

Macam mana nak kusyu' kalau tiap kali Imam habis baca surah, segerombolan budak pegi bantai AMEEEEENNNN lagi panjang dari Imam, pastu kat hujung ameen tu boleh lak ada selingan tergelak2 sakan. Lepas habis 2 rakaat, pegi main jap kat belakang, do some catch-up with friends wah githeww ye adik2 macam dah lama tak jumpa kann padahal pagi dah jumpa kat sekolah petang dah main konda-kondi sama2 malam jumpa lagi kat masjid tak muak ke nengok muka kawan tu? Pastu kau gelak se-tan dua jap, pastu bila nak start rakaat baru, kau masuk dalam saf balik. Apa pesen kau solat ni? Mazhab dari planet mana kau ikut? Duduk jela diam2 dalam saf tu takleh ke gari kang baru tau.

Nevertheless, Alhamdulillah I managed to reached home early for break of fast today. 630 dah sampai rumah,. Rasa nak menangis terharu, tak pernah pukul 630 dah sampai rumah. Kerja banyak tapi saya lari sebab I was the only Malay left at convey and I don't want to break my fast in the car, alone. Sayu hati nanti, bahaya.

And I'd like to wish :

SALAM RAMADHAN AL-MUBARAK :)

May Allah bless us all in this holy month of Ramadhan.

"Sesungguhnya telah datang kepadamu Ramadhan, bulan yang penuh keberkatan. Allah memfardhukan atas kamu puasaNya. Pada Ramadhan dibuka segala pintu syurga dan dikunci segala pintu neraka serta dibelenggu seluruh syaitan. Padanya ada suatu malam yang lebih baik daripada seribu bulan. Barang siapa tidak diberikan kepadanya kebaikan malam itu, maka sesungguhnya dia dijauhkan daripada kebajikan." (H.R. Ahmad)

"Orang yang berzikir kepada Allah pada Ramadhan akan diampuni dosa-dosanya dan yang memohon kepada Allah pada Ramadhan tidak akan kecewa"